Colossal Comedy of Clichés
by MinervaEvenstar
Summary: Parody of several SiriusRemus clichés in the world of fan fiction. I include some JamesLily too!
1. A Typical Beginning

-- The Colossal Comedy of Clichés --

_Disclaimer:_The characters belong to J. K. Rowling, the insanity belongs to me, and I don't know who all of the cliché ideas belong to! After all, almost everyone uses them.

**Note:** If you haven't read a vast amount of Remus\Sirius and several James\Lily fan works this parody shall not make much sense. I've perused and composed an abundance of them, for they are my favourite pairings, so rest assured that I am not making fun of them because I dislike them.

Please, don't be offended if I joke about a concept that you've worked with, for even _I _have applied some of them to fics…Not many, I admit, but a couple.

I put forth immense effort to have this be as "unoriginal" as could be achieved. Consequently, after I transcribed the apologue I, a linguistic perfectionist, edited it to include common grammatical and spelling errors that others make. It caused me great pain to do, however, I felt it was necessary in order for this work to be as good as possible. Or, more to the point, as NOT good as possible. Anyway, any mistakes that you are astute enough to recognise are not my inaccuracies, but those of others that I am doing the spoof on.

1 – **A Typical Beginning** _or_ Feelings Revealed

Lilly and Petunia Evans were sisters whose parents are gardeners or flourists or something-else-related-to-plants which is why they both were named after flowers. One day the horse-faced sister was mercilessly teasing the younger girl. Lilly is awkward-looking as a child yet she will become unbearably sexy as a adult. When a owl arrived with a letter from Hogwarts for the redhead, which she and her shrubbery-obsessed parents readily believed existed, Petunia is riddikulus-ly envious of the magic even though she despises abnormal qualities. That totally makes sense, doesn't it?

That same day James Potter is playing Quidich with Sirius Black, who he somehow has already met. After all the Blacks would be ESTATIC to suggest that there heir befriend the member of a blood traitor family. Both attractive mischeivous boys are extremely talented flyers. James played the sport, ergo there's no way Sirius didn't play it too, rite? Completely shocking the readers, owls show up with Hogwarts letters. James acts arrogant and unsurprised that they were accepted, and Sirius is all worried he'll be sorted into Slythoren. This is odd since in the future when conversing with Harry he is adamant about _always_ having had a problem with his families customs and not believing himself to be anything like them.

Sirius and Jimmy go to Diagonally to purchase there school supplies. Jimmy is James's nickname; all people named James are obviously called Jimmy. In Diagonally they encounter a quiet boy that they become fond of instantly. It turns out that his name is Remus Lupine. He and Sirius make eye contact and feel this wierd connection.

None of these incidents surve any purpose due to the aspect that they won't be refered to again at any point throughout the story.

- - - - -

We've fastforwarded to 7th year. Big leap, eh?

Remus is in the libary reading because he's quiet and not aloud to have a social life. Lilly, the only girl that attends Hogwarts besides Sirius's sluts, somehow looks outragously gorgeous though she's wearing a uniform like everyone else. She approaches the boy and he is nearly to shy to speek to her. "Lilly what are you doing here?"

"Don't you know? Despite the fact that I hate your friend who stalks me, you and I are close friends".

"Sorry I forgot. You see I was to busy thinking about Sirius".

"What about him?"

"I'm in love with him. Im a hormonal, misunderstood teenage werwolf yet throughout all of my complex life I've never been attracted to anyone else. Everyone knows that I've fallen for him except Peter, who is to stupid to notice anything, and Sirius himself. Of course I don't know that everybody knows".

"I'm sorry your love life is a mess. Mine is to".

"I'm always sensitive and understanding so you can tell me about it".

"I never liked Potter but now that were Head Boy and Head Girl, and for no other reason, my entire opinion of him is starting to change".

"He's really great. It was his idea for the Marauders to become animagi for me. Its super advanced magic and noone ever explanes how they managed it".

"Wow he does sound wonderful! Maybe I'll give him a chance now. Dumbledoor must've known what he was doing when he gave us our positions. Not only is he a brilliant wizard, he's a fantastic match-maker".

- - - - -

Sirius came out of the closet (no pun intended) with a girl who had been thoroughly shagged. JKR's account of event indicates that he is oblivious to girls's attraction to him, but who cares? As she skipped away giggling Dumbledoor appeared out of nowhere.

"Sirius when are you going to stop this gallivanting about and realise your true feelings?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You are so full of love".

"Huh?"

"Please let me talk about love. I really enjoy discussing it and until Harry's born I don't get much of a chance to".

"Alright, but afterwards I've gotta play a prank. I won't study 'cause I'm not supposed to like learning".

"Of course." The headmaster doesn't bother to attempt to inforce school protocol. "There are things I have observed – _insert wisdom here _– and I hope you will think about what I have said".

Sirius runs back to Griffendor Tower, pranks forgotten, coming to a shocking revelation: He spent many many MANY years screwing girls however he suddenly perceived that he's not bisexual, but gay, and that he is in love with one of his best friends.

"Hiya Padfoot! Wanna play a round of exploding snap?" asked Peter when Sirius entered.

"Don't talk to me".

"Why not?"

"You're not allowed to make any suggestions, or have dialog, or possess any indication of intelligence whatsoever since your going to betray us, even though the whole reason the treachery works is because we trust you".

"But - "

Jimmy agrees "You'd better stop talking; you just made Padfoot use a lot of big words to explain that stuff to you, and only Moonie has permission to do that".

"I just – "

"Shut up!" exclaimed Jimmy and Sirius in unison because what's a fan fiction if James and Sirius don't speak in unison? "Go to the kitchens and shove food in your fat face or disappear secretly. We won't notice, and if my some strange turn of events we do, we won't suspect you're spending time with Slythorens. We promise!"

Bewildered, Peter departs.

"So…_Do_ you want to play exploding snap?" Jimmy queried.

"NO!" Sirius dramatically flings himself onto his crimson and gold four-poster.

"How about Quidich or wizard chess then?"

"Ive just made a life-changing discovery and the only things you can think about are games?"

"Yeah." Jimmy shrugged. "I'd offer to listen to your problems, but in romance stories everyone forgets that were best mates, so we barely talk to one another and become obsessed with our love interests".

"In that case you aught to find Lilly. I'm going to sleep".

"With someone?"

"Normally I would, but this is one of those times when the author has me do something random without explaining why ".

Jimmy nodded and heads towards the door. "See you later".

"May the force be with you".

"May your wand stay magical".

"May your dick stay hard."

"May…I go?"

"I figured you were leaving before."

"I was, but even if we don't have the strong friendship that we're meant to we still had to do a witty banter." Considering the interesting exchange from the previous moment witty, Jimmy exits.

Once alone, Sirius immediately fell asleep and began to have nightmare about his family to horrible to describe, so I won't.

That was how Remus found him: sweating and screaming in his sleep. Being the overly compassionate person that he is, Remus went over to him and held him murmmuring quietly, "Sirius. Siri, it's okay."

Sirius wakens and thinks that he's in the arms of a beautiful shining angel or a divine sparkling spirit or some other sort of glowing holy being. All logical readers are aware that such a glossy look to someone's skin would probably indicate that they had been exposed to nuclear radiation. "Moonie?"

"Yes I'm here, and no matter what happens I'll always be here for you." Remus said innocently not at all speculating how obvious that statement makes his affection.

"I know you will…Hey, let's get drunk!"

Ever-responsible Remus demonstrates his inspiring vocabulary as he answer, "I maintain a copious quantity of misgivings at the pansophy of that inclination." Nevertheless, the werwolf caves in since he is never able to refuse Sirius.

All wizards seem to only swig firewhiskey, so after they've consumed an entire bottle of it that Sirius happens to have in his trunk, Sirius says "I have to tell you something and I didn't have the ability to express myself to you while I was sober in spite of the books proving I'm the most reckless Marauder. Moonie I love you. I found out barely more than a few hours ago, but I don't need any time to come to terms with it 'cause it just feels right to tell you."

"O Sirius I feel the same way!" The canines have sex, not caring that they declared their infatuations a mere seconds before. Remus was a virgin, however, he is somehow amazing at lovemaking and not nervous in the least.


	2. A Predictable Middle

2 – **A Predictable Middle** _or_ 'Time' Changes Things

Meanwhile Jimmy encounters Snape instead of Lilly in an empty, eerie, uninhabited, dark, deserted, creepy corridor with no one else there where they are completely alone.

"Potter." The single word resembled a hiss yet in the books Snape is usually compared to a bat not a cat or a snake or anything else that hisses.

Jimmy repeats a phrase that was used earlier in the fic becaus the writer is to unimaginative to create a new one: "What are you doing here?"

"I'm the villain in every story. I'm a Slythoren so I don't have a shred of humanity".

"Oh, yeah, that's rite; we hate each other…Why do we have such strong loathing again?"

Snape rolled his black eyes irritably on account of the fact that he cannot esperience a positive emotion unless he's doing something sinister. "Nobody knows".

"Are you jealous of me?"

"Sometimes. I'm jealous of you when I'm in love with Lilly, and I'm jealous of Sirius when I'm in love with Remus".

"Damn your life sucks".

"I know. Fans love to have my days to full of angst unless there trying to put me in a fluffy romance, which never turns out well, but I can't describe the details of that at the present due to this being a BroomFlower and WolfStar amour tale".

"WolfStar?"

"You'll sea later".

"If you say so".

"We're not supposed to be having civilised conversation".

"Oops sorry. Shall I hex you?"

"Let what to do not be an enigma that perplexes your mentality, for during the duel we are currently required to partake in it is unambiguous that you shall defeat me since you are a splendiferous Griffendor; therefore I must lack the competence to annihilate you." Snape has an impressive vocabulary too.

"That sounds smashing." stated Jimmy not having an inkling of what Snape said because he's a stupid Quidich jock without any cleverness unless it related to mischief making.

"Oh you can't now".

"What? Why not?"

"There goes Lucius".

"I thought he graduated".

"He did. Doesn't matter. Hes here to rape Lilly".

"I'm not going to let that happen! I love her even though she's mean to me!" Jimmy is prepared to sprint but Snape places a restraining hand on his arm. "What are you doing?"

"Wait until he gets to her".

"Why the bloody hell wood I do that?" Snape acts all mysterious and does not respond. "Well can I jynx you while we wait?"

"Under average circumstances that would be fine. Unfortunately Remus is going to need me tomorrow; I must be in good health."

"He is? I didn't realise you 2 were friends".

"In the books we're not, yet in anecdotes we magically become fond of one another despite being in rivaling Houses just because we are both reserved people".

"Why – "

"No more questions. Lilly needs you to rescue her now. I'd help, but I have to go be evil. I'll start luring your friend, the small fat one that has absolutely no good qualities, to the Dark Side".

"Have fun. Cheerio Snivelly!" Jimmy went to the common room irrationally having the knowledge that they would have to be there and saw that Lucius had Lilly pinned underneath him on the floor. Of course their clothes were still on because Jimmy must be the one to take Lillys virginity.

"Piss off Potter. This is my Mudblood." No James\Lily story is complete unless somebody insults her with the dreaded M-word.

Lily cries "I'm a helpless girl that can't defend herself and winds up at the mercy of Death Eaters that tend to molest me. Save me!"

Jimmy easily prevented Lucius from harming the unreasonably attractive Head Girl however Lucius escapes. None of the readers question that since they haven't a clue how a Salazer protégé managed to enter Godric's common room anyway.

"Oh, thank you!" Lilly throws her arms – threw her arms – around him. There's been such a massive amount of verb confusion by now that no one is sure if the story is being told in past or present tense. "Your me hero James."

"You're calling me James? Does that mean I can call you Lilly?"

"Yes." Triumphant music plays in the background at the significant instance when the couple makes the transition from refering to each other by surnames to their first names. Then Lilly snogged him senseless. At least they didn't sleep together yet. Speaking of which…

- - - - -

The following morning Sirius wakes up alone and naked in his bed. His head is pounding with the familiar sensation of a hangover. Nothing unusual about that. Glancing around the dorm, he saw that Peter was resting upon his fourposter. By some feat he hadn't witnessed Sirius and Remus entertwined on the same mattress the night before. James had gone to the Heads Dormitory, whose existence was not verified in the novels.

"Good morning Padfoot." Remus comes out of the shower wearing naught accept a towel and an adorable smile.

"Shouldn't you get dressed Rem?" asked Sirius. Thanks to alcohol Sirius has no recollection whatsoever of the events of the previous day.

"I guess…I mean if thats what you want." Obviously, Remus remembers everything even though he drunk as much as Sirius because he has astoonishing werwolf powers that the books never mention.

"Why would I want you to parade around nude all day?"

"But last night you said – "

Assuming he proclamed something offensive when he was smashed the prior evening he assured "I wasn't Sirius about whatever I said last night".

The griefstricken boy doesn't attempt to explane to Sirius what occurred or how he feels. He simply permits self-loathing to eat away at him, considering himself foolish for beleiving anybody could love him. Remus dons his uniform in silence ere he traversed to the dungeons to weep to his only friend who would understand.

Snape is reading in a unused classroom cuz he doesn't possess a social life either. When Remus walked in crying he wrapped him in a Care Bear hug and explicably transformed into a nice and likeable person. Now that the masters of language are in the same place a truly shrewd conversation that no realistic teenagers would have can commence!

"I anticipated that Black would poignantly abduct your fragile heart and break it, selfishly disregarding your elation".

"You discerned that I viewed him in a less than platonic fashion?" Remus was still sobbing. The readers don't deem this peculiar; he's the bitch in the canines' relationship for being the modest and introverted one, and it is his duty to weep like a child in spite of the calm nature and self-control JKR's version gives him.

Snape holds him closer. "Almost every individual could deduce your unyielding concupiscence".

"And all that the prurience and devotion has rendered to me is the craving for solace." He gazes at Snape hopefully.

"…Gotta go!" Snape dropped Remus and began to leave.

"Wait aren't you going to take advantage of me and then Sirius can get jealous and\or save me because I can't take care of myself like Lilly?"

"Firstly reflect upon the rating. This is qualified as 'teen' and anytime an intimate scene with me is included they distinguish it as 'mature.' I'm _that_ disturbing. Secondly this is a WolfStar AND BroomFlower spiel, so I need to go be in love with Lilly at the moment".

Remus is deprived of the oppertunity to respond once 2 people materialise out of thin air. One of them is identical to James with Llily's eyes and the other has hair that is bushy in the actual saga and beauty-parlor-hair-salon-pretty in the movies and fics.

"Professor Lup – " Hermione bites her tongue in the nick of time. Get it? It's funny since she traveled thru time. "Remus I'm so glad I found you!" She hopped onto his lap. "I'm here to fall in love with you".

Harry adds "And I'm here to fall in love with my godfather".

Snape shook his greasy head. 'Sorry kids. Youve got the wrong adventure. In this one the convict with no sense of maturity and the bookworm with no sense of humour are gay lovers".

"He isn't a convict yet. That's why we are here. Were going to prevent Sirius from being sent to prison and stop my parents from dying. We were told this brilliant plan by Dumbledoor, who you didn't really kill, that -"

Hermione interupted "Well, Professor Sna -- Severus, um, maybe…"

"Call me Snape. Unless I'm the main character in a Marauder's Era apologue I am refered to by my surname whilst all of the other students, including fellow Slytherins such as Lucius, are labeled by their firsts."

"Snape maybe we're here so 1 of us will wind up having feelings for you".

"I hope not! I'm already a piece of two love triangles. Are you trying to put me into a love octagon?" He frowned impatiently. "How can I be presumed to maintane my reputation as a heartless bastard if I love everyone?"

Harry shrugs, staring at Hermione. "Wanna go back to the future?"

"Sure." She shaks hands with the others. "It was a pleasure meeting you again…or before…or whatever".

Snape promises, "Hermione in the future I'll mistreat you during class for having brains & friends. Nobody should be granted both if there not Remus or Lilly because I love them. Harry I'll take my anger at your father out on you but I'll save your life on multiple occasions as a result of my love for your mother".

No body says this in the books yet Ron does in the films, thus it is a rule for it to be proclamed in fan works: "Wicked!" declares Harry disappearing with Hermione using her timeturner. Because she had the item once she must have the ability to obtain them constantly, right?

"Thank Merlin thats over." Snape instructed, "Don't worry. Black will come searching for you. Eventually." He left.

Remus sighed. "I'm all by myself in solitude. I'm alone. It's lonely."


	3. A Foreseen Ending

3 – **A Foreseen Ending** _or_ The Moon and Stars

Jimmy groggily bathes, and tries and fails to comb his messy hair. He's on his side of the dorm that the Head Boy and Girl share. The dorm whose presence was not established in the official series, remember? Then he sees Lilly come out of her lavatory holding a piece of parchment; her breathtaking eyes wer tearing up.

He sits next to her and puts an arm around her shoulders, forgetting that there both naked accept for towels, for at some point during there relationship they NEED to be undressed together without intending to be. Every couple have those moments, don't they? "What's wrong, Flower?"

"My sister doesn't have an owl, yet by some method she was able to send me this letter saying I can't go to her wedding and that our shrubbery-obsessed parents died. It's so hor-horrible". She collapsed into full-fledged sobs at the end of her small speach.

He stroke her crimson hair. "Everything'll be alright. My parents will die soon to and we can be orphans together".

"That's not the problem". Lilly wipes her eyes, though not her nose. Beauties akin to her excellence don't have mucus or bogeys. "I don't have a wedding to not-invite her to".

James positioned himself on 1 knee. "Will you marry me?" A diamond ring with her name engraved is constructed in midair as if by magic. In all honesty it _was_ by magic. You see, there wizards. You might have forgotten since all occurrenses in the story were about romantic fluff or drama; none of them pertaned to the lessons all of the characters take at Hogwarts.

Lilly's face lites up. "Oh Jamesie-poo youve made me so happy!" Her face falls. "But I can't be your wife 'cause I'm engaged to Regulus Black. That's why he stops being a Death Eater: he's in love with me."

"Really?"

"No." She giggles. "That would be a twist to make the fic _slightly_ interesting and we can't have that!" They hug lovingly and she finally takes in there condition. "Think we aught to put clothes on?"

- - - - -

Sirius, totally unaware that he's gay, is snogging another whore in the broom closet. He notes that it doesn't feel as pleasureable as it usually does. Out of nowhere his recollections return and he abandons her to locate Remus. He concieved speed was important by the rain pounding against the windows and the ominous music echoing in the background.

Remus had been wandering around in despare and was ready to leap off of the Astronomy Tower once Sirius arrived. "Don't do it!" How persuasive.

"Go away! Even though I will miraculously manage to cope with losing you, Jimmy, Lilly, and Wormtail after the first war with Voldemort I can't handle your failure to lust for me, so I have no choice other than to commit suicide. I'm a hazard to society anyway".

"Your not a hazard, a lizard, a buzzard, or any type of animal with a 'z' in it. Please don't kill yourself. I love you".

"You told me that what happened between us meant nothing".

"Thats because I couldn't call to mind what we did. Now I can. I wish I hadn't forgotten at all, but I'm glad I got my memories back a little late rather then never on account of them being so incredible. Your wonderful Moony and I have to make this up to you." Yep, the stubborn, egotistical, insensitive Sirius delivered a heartfelt apology about something he did accidentally. That is sooo likely to happen! "I brought you something" He retreived a box of chocolates from his robes that, like the firewhiskey, he just happened to have.

Remus squealed childishly. "Thanks Padfoot, I can't resist forgiving you this very second even if you did hurt me deeply. Your my shinning star."

"I thought we already had nickname for one another.'

"In romantic tales you can always use more." He smiles adorably; it would be impossible for him to be intimidating no matter how much he wanted to be. "Let's eat the chocolate off of each other." They do that.

Throughout the duration of the x-rated fun activity Remus cries out things like "Shit that feels good," "Harder dammit," and "Fuck me!" since the polite boy has a unexplanable necesity to use profanity during sex.

- - - - -

Jimmy was overcome with joy that Lilly excepted his proposal. He wished to share his bliss with his comrads; therefore he took out the Marauders's Map and examined it. His scrutiny reveals that they are in the Astronomy Tower. Sirius is handing Remus something box-shaped. "Let's go my darling love muffin!"

"Coming my dearest passion fruit!" Lilly gleefully trails after her fiancé. When they come upon a classroom with closed door at the top of the tower that was clearly their destination, she put a fettering hand on his sholder. "It sounds as if theres stuff going on there that we shouldnt sea."

"I have to open the door".

"Why?"

"Duh! I always find out about their relationship by catching them in the act".

"Who?"

"Stop asking 3-lettered questions that start with 'wh' and end in a vowel. You'll see." Jimmy open the door and shouted, "OH MY GOD!" Remus and Sirius look up at him from their horizontal dance. Sirius is on top of course. "Rite then. Now that I'm over the shock of actually seeing your preferances for myself, I can wish you both the best and gayly – sorry, happily - invite you two my wedding since I knew about your attraction all along." He shuts the postern and with a shrug the young men continue with their exploration of The _Nether_lands on each others bodies.

Lilly linked arms with Jimmy as they went off to plan their wedlock. She remarked thoughtfully "I didn't know that Remus could get into that position…Can you?"

- - - - -

Next week there marriage vows in a place surrounded by flowers that had fireworks going off overhead. Dumbledoor recited the vows due to everyone comprehending that along with a First Class Order of Merlin he was granted the position of an ordained minister.

The wedding reception that followed was verry entertaining. All of the guests danced to songs that weren't invented in there era. Peter wasnt invited, though he was not offended since he and Lucius were busy committing dastardly crimes and then laughing manically about it. Snape wood have gone with them however he is hovering outside of the frivolity stalking Lilly. Or was it Remus? He can't remember anymore.

He leaves before Dumbledoor approaches the marauders and the new Mrs. Potter. "The books specifically say students aren't aloud to join the Order of the Pheonix though I'm going to ask you to be a part of Voldemort-fighting group anyhow".

They all nodded. Sirius added, "I know everybody else is ordering a pheonix but could I have a roast chicken?"

Lilly stairs him. "How did you manage to nail Remus?"

"I Siriusly don't know." He shrugs. "I didn't use a hammer".

"Every dog has his day" Jimmy told Lilly. "And so will we." He kissed her and carried her away, and it was all passionate and perfect and stuff. They shagged each other's brains out until dawn and that was how Lilly got knocked up with Hairy.


End file.
